22 September 2002

The Bush administration has recently outlined a rationale for preemptive action by the United States against Iraq, in order to protect the health and welfare of Americans; indeed, the structure of the Bush Administration's new national security plan is such that it formalizes preemptive action as a key part of the American strategy for continued success in world affairs. Yet as with most things enacted or undertaken by this administration, it does not go far enough in its intended aims. Therefore, I would like to make some suggestions as to how preemptive action could be applied in other areas to help clean up the U.S.A. - and the world, too.

First of all, there is no bigger scourge in our society than crime, whether it is drug related crime, petty thievery, or stunning acts of violence. We also know, statistically, that poor people are more likely to commit crimes, and yet the Bush people have done little to address this problem or to propose an effective solution. The Bush administration could easily preempt the problem of poverty-related criminality by putting every public housing project in the U.S. under a total lockdown and placing all inhabitants under house arrest. Even with the expense of bringing in food for those inside, the costs would be significantly less than the $200 billion we are likely to spend on a war with Iraq - and the benefits for those of us living here would surely be tremendous.

Of course, as the last 18 months have shown so clearly, we are also faced with a tremendous problem of criminality among the nation's business leaders; criminal behavior is not limited to the poor. Whether we are considering the outright illegalities of which many Enron, Tyco, and WorldCom executives stand accused, or the legally- and ethically-problematic manipulations of the market by stock analysts and their biggest investors, the problem could be easily addressed through preemptive action. President Bush should sign an Executive Order authorizing the arrest of: every "C-class" employee of every publicly-traded company in the U.S., with a particular attention to those whose stocks are traded on the NASDAQ or which have had IPOs in the last 10 years; the leadership of the major accounting firms, since we surely have not heard the last of their misdeeds; and probably, any individual broker with more than $1 million in assets under his or her management, to preempt the possibility of them giving compromised advice.

On the environment, the Bushies' record is (surprisingly) a little better. Already, the President has suggested that preemptive logging could help eliminate the nasty forest fires that have been plaguing our nation. No trees = no forest fires, Q.E.D! By the same token, however, the administration is not doing enough to protect our clean air and clean water - perhaps the two most important substances for sustaining our lives and our liberty. To paraphrase from a popular song, How can I be proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free, if I'm having trouble breathing and Tom Lehrer's famous song "Pollution" is also ringing in my ears? The administration must act, now, by banning any single-occupancy vehicle from the road, to drastically cut harmful automobile emissions; they must also preemptively nationalize any manufacturing facility that sits by a body of water, where polluting could take place; and they must preemptively stop all farmers from using artificial fertilizers or animal feed, to prevent the run-off from these farms that is spoiling too much of the water that lies below ground.

Last, but not least, there are a few other preemptive actions needed to resolve troublesome foreign policy problems. To eliminate the problem of drugs, the Bush administration should nuke any non-urban area in the following countries: Mexico, Colombia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Viet Nam, Myanmar, and Jamaica. (We do not need to worry about China, the smart bastards - they automatically execute anyone caught smuggling drugs.) This would pro-actively remove the world's primary suppliers of marijuana, cocaine, and heroine, and serve as a marvelous warning of the dangers of drug-growing for any other nation presently contemplating its prospects in this area. Likewise, the U.S. should also nuke The Netherlands, where much drug use is either completely legal or too highly tolerated, and consider nuking Great Britain as well, given their recent decision to consider legalizing marijuana use.

Once Mr. Bush and his team are finished with all of that, they can turn their attention back to the pot growers in Humboldt County, California. I hear that not only are those folks growing weed by the bushel, but they vote Democrat as well. Certainly sounds like a cause for preemptive action if ever there was one.