25 April 2004

Ramallah, West Bank, Preoccupied Palestine – 25 April 2004 – In a stunning reversal of political fortune, Palestinian Authority (PA) President Yassir Arafat announced that he will be the next suicide bomber for the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, though it is said he has not yet determined the time or place of the attack. Although speculation within the PA has been rampant that Arafat’s intentions are due mostly to the aging leader’s addled state – he suffers from Parkinson’s Disease, along with the rarer condition known as diplomaciphobia – Arafat himself insisted in interviews that this move not only makes sense but actually ups the ante for an effective solution to the Israeli-Palestinian crisis, as well as the current U.S.-driven takeover of Iraq.

“Mr. Ariel Sharon, the criminal Prime Minister of Israel, has announced publicly his desire to assassinate me, as he has done to Sheik Yassin and Dr. Rantisi, may Allah rest both their souls,” said Arafat. “Sharon, the old fool, has been chasing me for years, and without success. By turning myself into a weapon, I will deny him the satisfaction of murdering me, while feeling personally satisfied in murdering innocent Israelis.

“However, I wish that you would not focus on the mere act of suicide terror I am proposing,” Arafat continued. “In committing to this gesture, I am throwing down the gauntlet to Mr. Sharon – to act bravely, where those around him cannot and will not. Leaders must lead. For too long have Palestinian leaders of all stripes used, abused, and manipulated our people, with little to show for it. We have pushed them into a war of resistance that has brought us only death and chaos, not nation-building. While our children die, while our people live in some of the most crowded slums on earth, Palestinian leaders – myself included, I admit – have traveled, met with foreign dignitaries, and appear regularly on television wearing fine suits.

“We send our well-educated youth to blow themselves up, instead of training them to lead the next generation of this fight – while we, the leaders, sit back and ‘orchestrate’ this losing war. No more. Yassin, well, what could he have done? Wheel himself somewhere and then blow himself up? He was crippled and blind; he had excuses. But Rantisi? He had none, no excuses, and should not have waited, promising death to the Israelis yet not by his own hand. What a wasted life. I will waste my life no longer, by ‘wasting’ a bunch of Israelis. Those of us who advocate the technique of suicide bombing must stand up, strap on the belt, and show that we, the leaders of the Palestinians, are as willing to commit such acts as those more gullible than us.”

When asked how becoming a suicide bomber would advance the cause of peace in Iraq, President Arafat was explicit in attacking United States President George W. Bush – and accusing him of many of the same misdeeds named by Bush’s own current rival, Presidential contender Senator John F. Kerry.

“Mr. Bush, little Dubya, has said he will not deal with me. Well, that is fine, it makes no difference. He is clearly engaged in some bizarre Christian ritual dance with that bear Sharon. And I know from my sources within Israel that Sharon laughs at how he has played little Dubya to his own advantage. But I digress.

“My point remains the same: what does Mr. Bush know of war? During the war in Vietnam, he flew fancy fighter jets over the southern United States. Some war zone! This man is a pansy, directing his troops in Iraq like so many pieces on a board, and yet he – and the fools he has around him, from Cheney-the-Lesbian-Breeder to Wolf-o-wits – has no experience in actual combat. Bush says he will win this war, yet how can he know that? I challenge him to do as I am doing: to engage in war on direct terms, to be responsible for death and mayhem, and to make for himself what he so cloying refers to for others as ‘the ultimate sacrifice.’ Senator Kerry is right when he says that Bush has no idea about war. Even I, a life-long terrorist, can see the logic in Kerry’s claims.”

In response to this interview, Prime Minister Sharon’s office returned calls seeking comment, and issued the following statement from the Israeli leader:

“I abhor, as I know most Israelis do, the violent tactics used by the Palestinians. The Israeli people wish only to live in peace, a peace that we have sought even before the 1948 war which lead to the establishment of the State of Israel. My personal commitment to this goal could not be more evident: in addition to planning a withdrawal from the slums of Gaza, I have built a large fence to protect the Palestinians from the Israeli Defense Forces in much of the West Bank, while also proactively killing those Palestinians who refuse to seek peace as well. Under my leadership we shall continue the war for peace for as long as it is necessary. Nothing Mr. Arafat will do can change that.”

Although the White House refused to discuss Mr. Arafat’s stated intentions directly, Bush administration spokesperson Karen Hughes affirmed the underlying sentiment of Sharon’s remarks, noting “Much like the Israelis, in Iraq the United States is fighting a crucial war for peace. Those who wish to disrupt our war by attacking us will be doomed to failure. As the President has said, our commitment will not waver, and we will fight in Iraq as long as is necessary to establish a free, independent, and democratic nation there, even if it means we have to kill every last Muslim.”